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The most pathedic dumb story ever, but its somthing

Tell us about your adventures, amazing stories, wow us with your wit...use your imagination, tell us some of the greatest moments in your life.

Post Sun Jul 03, 2005 6:15 pm

The most pathedic dumb story ever, but its somthing

EDIT: This Thread also now includes a short Freelancer story
This is a story based off the Tribes 2 game (i dont play it anymore) that i wrote about 6 months ago. It uses me and some of my friends first names (try and guess who's me )

It was written mostly by me (exept for the thomas part, witch was written by thomas) and co-authored by My friend thomas, I take Credit for the good parts and give him the credit for the bad parts

It is likely that all ill post is chapter 1 as ive only gotten about halfway into chapter 2 and droped it, my upcoming Freelancer story will be much better and epic (and with out me ) im about done with the extra-long chapter 1 on that but the hard part for me is typing it (im a really slow typer)

And here is Chapter 1 if the "Ultimate Tribes 2 Story thing"

"If im phased and can walk through stuff, then why am I not falling through the floor?"

Edited by - FlyingBeef on 7/5/2005 6:11:47 AM

Post Sun Jul 03, 2005 6:18 pm

Chapter 1

Defense and Retreat

Taylor ducked out the door of the base narrowly avoiding a plasma blast aimed for his head. He brought his own handheld version up and fired, in an instant one of the enemy was up in flames. “What’s our situation?” he asked Andy his second in command as he ducked behind the row of flimsy metal tables that they had set up as a quick extra defense.
“Not good, were highly outgunned. The only way we can hold the base for more then a short time is if Allan got that message out before the communications dish was bombed.”
“We can only hope…” Taylor agreed
The attack had come without warning, most of the defensive structures except the main base were destroyed, before the base went on full alert and organized a defense against the ensuing onslaught.
Just as Taylor finished the word “hope…” a bomber flew overhead spraying bolts of energy into the flimsy metal tables. One of the decimeter sized purple bolts burnt through the table Taylor, Andy, and Collin were hiding behind and sparked a small fire. Taylor in heavy armor stamped it out with his massivly-oversized boot.
At this time warfare had greatly transformed from what we know today. Body armor changed into full body suits that could survive in space for an extended period of time and underwater indefinitely. This armor was the only armor employed anymore. It was very effective at protecting the wearer from harm. However, its most remarkable improvement over today’s warfare is its ability to take the battle to the skies without using a vehicle.
All armors are always equipped with a jetpack that allows them to fly over a hundred meters into the air. This flight is limited in length though because the suite’s reactor only produces so much thrust before it has to recharge. This recharge time is short and makes it so theoretically a person can stay airborne about a third of the time their in battle.
Weapons changed to take advantage of airborne assaults but weapons to counter this ability were developed.
There are three types of armor light, medium, and heavy. Light armor is the weakest of the three in terms of protection. It also can only carry three weapons. It makes up for these disadvantages though with its agility and ability to jet farther then the other armor types, in addition to being the only armor class who can carry the sniper rifle. Medium armors are just that, medium. They can carry four weapons including the missile launcher, which the light cannot carry, and more ammo then the light, though they have decreased speed and agility because of it. Heavy armor is the largest and bulkiest with five weapons and an insane amount of ammo. They are huge and have tons of armor. They are the only armor class that can carry the fusion mortar, the largest and one of the most deadly of all the weapons carried by infantry.
As the bomber, came around for a second pass Taylor fired a missile at it. Unfortunately, the tail gunner sent up a flare diverting the missile away from its black target. As the bomber flew past their position, Collin fired his sniper rifle at the tail gunner. The shiny bullet flew through the air shedding its coating of Teflon as it flew. Piercing the force field at a super sonic speed, the bullet ripped the tail gunner chest open pushing his lung out the other side. He did not even know what hit him. Without the tail gunner the bomber was almost defenseless against missiles. Therefore, Taylor fired his missile launcher at the bomber again. A small flame shot out of the rocket launcher forcing Taylor to lock his boots into the ground. The missile flew through the air with a trail of smoke behind it. The bomber careened toward the ground, as a giant ball of fire. Hitting the ground near his defensive position the bomber sent out a shockwave of air, dirt, and dust. Since Taylor had unlocked his boots upon firing the missile he was pushed into the ground along with the other two. This was a good thing because after the shockwave came the shrapnel.

* * *

Screaming pieces of shrapnel flew overhead tearing into the metal table eating away little holes like worms on a carcass. When the shrapnel had passed Taylor did a body check after concluding he had no injuries, he asked Andy and Collin how they were. After a few more seconds his ears stopped ringing. “I got a bloody nose, but nothing major.” said Andy. Collin replied said that he was fine. Taylor saw that there was nothing left of the bomber besides a scorched metal wing. Somewhere a soldier screamed that he couldn’t find his leg. Black smoke wafted over the battlefield revealing dead bodies and scared infantry. “All defenders, fall back through the base to the vehicle garage!” Taylor voiced over his COM link.
Taylor put his plasma rifle, a small weapon that looks like an over sized pistol into his holster. He then armed himself with a fusion mortar he picked off a dead soldier. When running out of the base he had not had time to properly arm himself. When he had the weapon loaded he ran to the entrance of the base. On the way he took a blaster bolt to the shoulder but thought nothing of it as his armor easily absorbed the energy. Taylor took up a position on one side of the entrance to the base and Collin took up the other side. Then as the out gunned defenders started abandoning their defensive posts, Collin threw a smoke grenade to cover their retreat. When the smoke thinned everyone had made it inside and were now making their way to the vehicle garage.
Collin was about to drop another smoke grenade when a loud voice sounded and made him pause. “Surrender now, there is no other option!” The voice was from a point near the middle of the enemy lines, but most surprising was that the voice sounded female!

* * *

At this time Andy had made his way through a few hallways to the hidden roll out gun. He powered it up and connected the ammo feed. He could hear a loud voice form outside but he could not make out he words. When the gun was all ready Andy jumped in and the gun rolled along its tracks and went straight through the hologram camouflaging the opening in the hill. When he emerged he was able to hear the voice. “… I am the great Carson! The soon to be ruler of the galaxy!” “Cocky and ambitious go together quite often don’t they?” Andy joked to Taylor. “Yeah, the sad thing is few are truthful but the few that are pose such a serious threat to the galaxy that all of them have to be stopped!” Taylor replied quite seriously “But lets hope she doesn’t have a good reason too be cocky because I’m getting a pretty big energy signature coming from the area that voice is coming from!” Sure enough as Andy pressed a series of keys into his wrist keyboard and an energy filter came over his helmets hologram overlay screen he spotted a red blob much bigger than a vehicles energy emissions among the many smaller ones from the enemy’s suit reactors.
No sooner than he had spotted the large energy signature amid the mass of enemy soldiers than it began to move to the front and then beyond the enemy lines. Once it had moved beyond the smoke that was the enemies’ cover, Andy deactivated his energy filter and zoomed in with his helmets built in binoculars to see an inspiring sight. IT was big, for one thing, though just small enough to fight in standard military hallways. Andy concluded form the bulkiness that much of it was probably mechanized. This meant it would be hard to find the operators actual body inside if any shots got through it’s armor that Andy guessed made up at least 70% of the suits weight. Andy could not even guess at the number and types of weapons it possibly could carry.
“The Great Carson’s” armor gleamed a shiny gold in the midmorning sun in stark contrast to her soldiers black and the defenders dark green.
“You will be destroyed!” The voice of “The Great Carson” was indeed coming from the mechanized suit.
“How about not!” Taylor said. Over the COM link a “buzz” and then a “thump” sound followed by running footsteps could be heard. A spinfuser disk most likely fired by Collin slammed head on into Carson’s suit. Spinfuser disks are supposed to explode on contact but some how in some amazing way her armor absorbed it. Then even more amazingly a fusion mortar charge fired by Taylor, a charge that would have sent a regular armor type flying into shreds did not even mess up the polish on Carson’s armor. Andy swung his gun around and fired at the seemingly invincible armor. The bullets flew through the air towards “The Great Carson”. She then slowly lifted her arm up and fired a dozen blue projectiles. The bullets fired by Andy bounced off Carson’s armor and then laid silently on the ground. The bullets from Carson’s gun ripped through the roll out gun’s tough metal blowing the gun off its tracks. Andy blasted off the gun and high up in the air as soon as he saw Carson fire. Below him, he looked at the gun tumbling down the base’s side in a deadly ball of fire. Suddenly, Taylor’s voice erupted over his radio “Andy come in Andy, are you alright!?!?!” “I’m okay.” Andy said. “But where the heck did those other bullets go!!!” “Straight into the side of the mountain.” Taylor replied. “Dang, she must really be bad at aiming.” Andy said augustly. “Is that a good thing?” Andy swirled around; flying right beside him was Thomas. “Did you blow up the computers?” he asked skeptically. “Heck yeah, and Allen with them.” said Thomas. “What do you mean?” Andy asked. “I’ll tell you on the way, we got to get to the transports right now!” Thomas said. During the short time between the walk to the vehicle bay Thomas told the following story.

* * *

“I ran up the stairs toward the Tech Room. My mission was to destroy the computers and to load all information on a laser disk. Through my headset I told Allen to get the computers ready for download in the Tech Room. Allen then replied “Okay I’ll see if I-””BANG.” “Allen come in Allen!!!” I screamed into the headset but to no response. I then continued running up the stairs.”
“I was wearing medium armor as I am now and carried explosives. Fusion grenades, fragmentation grenades, smoke grenades, a chain gun, and a nuke. I was a walking fire hazard. When I finally arrived at the Tech Room door I saw that it had been blown off its hinges.”
“I walked into the room broken glass crunching under my feet. A few computers screens had shattered by most likely the same thing that made the sound. Looking down I saw a red dot playing across the floor. It slowly climbed my body hovering by my heart when all of a sudden I knew what it was. At the same time I jumped out of the way firing my chain gun at Allen he fired the laser rifle it. The laser missed but my chain gun shredded Allen into little bits.” “The little traitor” Andy blurted out. “Let me finish.” Thomas said. “Any way Allen was dead and I had to set the explosives loading the XDDD into the drive I downloaded all the info. Next I set the nuke then ran for the elevator. About the same time the enemy had ran into the room looking for the traitor Allen. I know this since I heard voices at the same time I detonated the nuke. KABLOOEY. You can guess how those guys felt.” Andy laughed at the thought of their predicament. “Any way this means that Allen never radioed for help.” “GREAT” Andy said “Just GREAT” “I know isn’t it”
By this time they had made it to the vehicle bay there they hopped onto a transport piloted by Collin. They then took off speeding threw the air.

"If im phased and can walk through stuff, then why am I not falling through the floor?"

Post Sun Jul 03, 2005 6:50 pm

cool, continuing to clean up my My Documents folder i found this, a freelancer based short-story (that has nothing to do whatsoever with my up coming real story) that i wrote for a language arts asignment, the end is highly rushed (i ran out of time ) but its ok
L # 105
My name whent here
3/14/2005
4TH Period
Ghosts of the Nomads

Captain Emily Bradford stood by the forward view port of the super transport Osprey. She watched the blue-green lightshow that accompanied jump gate travel.
Ahead of the Osprey 2 Brittonian heavy fighters gleamed a new orange-brown paintjob now pockmarked from an encounter with corsairs not yet 3 hours ago. Behind the captain stretched the long super transports hull. The front end housed the Command Bridge, crew quarters, and meager living areas. Behind that was a long, narrow tube that was the only connection to the engines and reactor at the back, as typical for a super transport. Along the tube in secured crates sat their cargo of vital supplies. Food, water, oxygen, and uranium; the basics for backwater space stations. This was cheep, though not unnecessary, work. The captain yearned for a better, more important, riskier, higher paying trade route.
Gold, silver, H-fuel ! Heck, even hauling copper, fertilizers, and terraforming gasses would be better than this! Not bloody food and water!
Behind the Osprey flew 2 other super transports, the Atlantic, and the Greensboro. All three transports had a single-fighter escort on each side; also 3 more fighters protected the rear behind the Greensboro.
The convoy was flying through the Magellen system when the Corsairs had attacked.
* * *
“This is Freeport 4 to Super transport convoy S-19, you are cleared to detach, good luck out there.”
“Good luck to you too Freeport 4.”
The Atlantic detached its mooring clamps and slowly floated away from Freeport 4. When it got far enough away small bursts of fire from many small maneuvering jets flipped it over.
Slowly the Atlantic activated its main engines and joined the other super transports of the convoy lined up for the trade lane.
Trade lanes are the primary way of in-system travel within the colonies. Patented, built, and controlled exclusively by Ageria Technologies, which also own the rights to jump gates and planetary docking rings.
The actual technology behind trade lanes is top secret, but most people know that is has something to do with magnets, and powerful ones at that, because around ships traveling through a trade lane, space becomes distorted and creates a brilliant lightshow.
As the convoy accelerated to speeds only surpassed by jump gates, most of the crew relaxed, but Captain Bradford knew that even trade lanes weren’t safe, she always had at least her command crew on their toes at all times.

15 minutes into the ride and well within the Wendell ice field a siren blared suddenly and in a loud, but calm voice over the intercom, the ships computer stated:
“Trade lane disrupted.”
Anyone who could grab onto something did, and anyone who couldn’t was in for a lot of bruises and possibly broken bones.

Flight leader Dillon Keys was positioned just off to the right of the Atlantic in formation for the trade lane ride. He always loved watching the colors swirl around the edges of the trade lane. Though it often made him sleepy, and sleeping want what he wanted to be doing if pirates attacked.
Trade lanes consisted of four identical T shaped sections that somehow made ships move fast. All the sections had to be in alignment for the trade lane to work. Sometimes rocks or other debris might knock the trade lane out of alignment, this was called a trade lane disruption. Disruptions weren’t always accidents though. Sometimes pirates disrupted trade lanes to prey upon transport convoys or just to cause general havoc. Luckily Ageria Technologies had make trade lanes self-aligning and soon after being disrupted they were reactivated. This took approximately 2 and a half minutes though and in that much time many things could happen.
Suddenly the trade lane was disrupted.
Dillon was strapped into his fish like shaped Brittonian heavy fighter but it still wasn’t fun to be violently decelerated and thrown in a random direction.
Unluckily in that random direction laid the Atlantic.
* * *
Captain Bradford just had time to grab hold of a chair when she was wrenched upwards with a force way over 8G’s. Inertial dampeners are a gift from above! Emily thought.
Even with the inertial dampeners she was hit with a force nearing 5G’s, the limit of human beings ability to resist gravity. Blackness ate at the edge of her vision as she fought to stay conscious.
Slowly the force subsided as the Osprey began to slow. No one could relax though as the speed had thrown them well away from the cleared area around the trade lane and the frozen rocks began to hit.
As fast as she could the captain got up and took in the damage. She didn’t notice any damage to the controls but the crew was in bad shape. The helmsman was sprawled unconscious over his controls, and many a groan could be heard. The captain immediately accessed the situation and half ran, half stumbled over to the helm. She unceremoniously dumped him to the floor; he wouldn’t be happy when he woke up. Reactivating the ships engines she began evading the larger rocks, but a super transport is large and clumsy, within a few seconds the ships shields began taking damage.

Dillon’s Crusader had bounced off the Atlantic, but in the process he had lost most of his shield energy and it was slowly recharging. When he was bounced off the Atlantic he had gotten a split second view of the Osprey and the Greensboro plunging into the field. Somehow though the Atlantic was able to wrestle control and stay within the safe area near the trade lane.
Dillon watched his scanner closely, hoping this wasn’t a pirate attack.
Sadly it was

Captain Bradford slowed the ship down to better control. With the roaring of small particles hitting the shields lessened she was able to hear a rapid beeping coming from the sensor station. The lieutenant manning the station quickly jumped up, and with a “Thump!” banged his head on the underside of the controls.
Clutching his skull the young lieutenant rose again, more cautiously this time, and seeing the source of the alarm, exclaimed “Corsairs!”
The captain immediately slapped a button on her wrist pad. Then, over the intercom, said, “Alert, Corsairs, man all turrets, alert!”

In the cloud behind the Osprey came the corsairs, 8 of them. Dillon swerved away to help the Osprey, who was probably lacking fighter support. He came up behind one group of them, 3, one heavy fighter and two light escorts. He didn’t know where the other 5 were, a problem.
He activated his comm. unit, “can anyone hear me, we have corsairs incoming!”
All he heard was the hiss of static. “Dang the field’s blocking signals!” he told the inside of his cockpit.
He zoomed his cockpits compuglass in on the heavy fighter, and jumped back in surprise!
The heavy fighter was armed to the teeth with missile launchers! This group of
Corsairs didn’t plan on taking over the Osprey; they planed on destroying it!
* * *
As the Corsairs came closer to missile range, the captain desperately called for fighter support.

Dillon slowly gained on the Corsairs, straining to keep them in view to get a lock.
He then got the garbled call for help from the Osprey. He then replied, even though he probably still couldn’t be heard; bigger ships like transports have bigger transmitting arrays then fighters.
Suddenly his targeting computer beeped rapidly signaling a lock. Dillon’s pilot instincts automatically made his finger clamp down on the trigger. His fighter’s guns spewed out yellow blasts of deadly, high-powered, laser energy, right into the heavy fighters behind. Since the pilot wasn’t expecting an attack from behind he had all his shield energy put forward, none behind, his lasers ripped straight through the thin rear armor. The Corsair ship exploded, taking one of its escorts with it in the explosion of all the ammo for its missiles.
The remaining light fighter swerved away behind an asteroid, then exploded. A Cavalier light fighter, one of the rear escorts, had also been hiding behind the same asteroid.
The pilot did a “hi” wave with his guns, and then was off, pursuing the other heavy fighter Corsair group.
Dillon watched as the other pilot shot down with excellent skill the 2 escorts on the remaining heavy fighter. Then suddenly the heavy fighter stopped his engines and was within seconds on the light fighters tail, who had not had the reflexes to stop in time.
The heavy fighter, though less maneuverable, was able to stay on the light fighters tail like a fly to rotten meat.
Dillon quickly flew to an ambush position and waited, and waited, then, he pounced! He flew out from around the asteroid and fired right into the front of the heavy fighter, vaporizing it in seconds!
Dillon made sure the other pilot was all right before flying over to the Osprey. He found it had already found its way out of the cloud. The remaining two Corsairs were flying away, when suddenly they exploded in a bright flash of blue light.

The captain watched the holographic sensor readouts in the center of the bridge. There were enormous power readings from where the corsairs had exploded. Then the readings stopped but a whole squadron of blue alien fighters remained. Immediately, the entire convoy activated the trade lane and fled.

That is what got them to where they were now.

Slowly the convoy slowed and ended up right at the jump gate back. The captain wished they had gone further into the system when she spotted that the alien fighters had gotten there ahead of them.
It was a long battle, the humans were overmatched in ships and firepower, but they were much better pilots than the aliens. The scary thing was that when every one exploded a ghostlike version popped out and suicided into one of the fighters, or transports. To everyone’s shock and horror, one flew into the Greensboro’s uranium storage and it exploded in a bright flash, vaporizing half the aliens with it.
Finally only one was left; it flew straight at the front end of the Osprey. All of the Ospreys turrets opened fire on it, to no avail as its ghost image flew on.
In one brave last sacrifice, Dillon, the last remaining fighter pilot, flew into the onrushing nomad ghost.
Both were gone in an instant.

Mourning their comrades, the Atlantic and the Osprey, badly damaged, took the trade lane to California, to warn the colonies of the oncoming unstoppable alien attacks.

lol i just realized i turned it in with 4th piriod on it when thats when i had math, i had LA 5th lol

"If im phased and can walk through stuff, then why am I not falling through the floor?"

Post Thu Jul 07, 2005 8:55 am

i guess no one like my stories

ill go sulk in the corner now

"If im phased and can walk through stuff, then why am I not falling through the floor?"

Post Thu Jul 07, 2005 5:23 pm

beef you never finished the first one!

Post Thu Jul 07, 2005 5:41 pm

It could use a litle work on lay out, paragraphs, and soforth to make an easyer read. From this - Chapter 1

Defense and Retreat

Taylor ducked out the door of the base narrowly avoiding a plasma blast aimed for his head. He brought his own handheld version up and fired, in an instant one of the enemy was up in flames. “What’s our situation?” he asked Andy his second in command as he ducked behind the row of flimsy metal tables that they had set up as a quick extra defense.
“Not good, were highly outgunned. The only way we can hold the base for more then a short time is if Allan got that message out before the communications dish was bombed.”
“We can only hope…” Taylor agreed
The attack had come without warning, most of the defensive structures except the main base were destroyed, before the base went on full alert and organized a defense against the ensuing onslaught. Just as Taylor finished the word “hope…” a bomber flew overhead spraying bolts of energy into the flimsy metal tables. One of the decimeter sized purple bolts burnt through the table Taylor, Andy, and Collin were hiding behind and sparked a small fire. Taylor in heavy armor stamped it out with his massivly-oversized boot.
At this time warfare had greatly transformed from what we know today. Body armor changed into full body suits that could survive in space for an extended period of time and underwater indefinitely. This armor was the only armor employed anymore. It was very effective at protecting the wearer from harm. However, its most remarkable improvement over today’s warfare is its ability to take the battle to the skies without using a vehicle.
All armors are always equipped with a jetpack that allows them to fly over a hundred meters into the air. This flight is limited in length though because the suite’s reactor only produces so much thrust before it has to recharge. This recharge time is short and makes it so theoretically a person can stay airborne about a third of the time their in battle.

*********************************************************
To this -

Chapter 1

Defense and Retreat

Leaving the base, Taylor ducked out the door narrowly avoiding a plasma blast aimed for his head. He brought his own weapon up and fired. In an instant one of the enemy burst into flames.

“What’s our situation?” he asked Andy; his second in command while ducking behind the row of flimsy metal tables that they had set up as a quick extra defense.

“Not good, we’re completely outgunned and the only way we can hold the base for more then a short time is if Allan got that message out before the communications dish was bombed” Andy replied.

“We can only hope…” Taylor agreed

The attack had come without warning, destroying most of the defensive structures except the main base. The base went on full alert and organized a defense against the ensuing onslaught. Just as Taylor finished the word “hope…” a bomber flew overhead spraying bolts of energy into the area of the flimsy metal tables. One of the decimeter sized purple bolts burnt through the table Taylor, Andy, and Collin were hiding behind and sparked a small fire. Taylor in heavy armor stamped it out with his massively-oversized boot.

At this day and time, warfare had greatly transformed from what we know today. Body armor changed into full body suits that could allow survival in space for an extended period of time and underwater indefinitely. This armor was the only armor employed anymore. It was very effective at protecting the wearer from harm. However, its most remarkable improvement over today’s warfare is its ability to take the battle to the skies without using a vehicle.

All armors are always equipped with a jet-pack that allows them to fly over a hundred meters into the air. This flight is limited in length though because the suite’s reactor only produces so much thrust before it has to recharge. This recharge time is short and makes it so theoretically a person can stay airborne about a third of the time while in battle.

Just a thought.



Edited by - Finalday on 7/7/2005 6:42:49 PM

Post Fri Jul 08, 2005 9:49 pm


At this day and time, warfare had greatly transformed from what we know today. Body armor changed into full body suits that could allow survival in space for an extended period of time and underwater indefinitely. This armor was the only armor employed anymore. It was very effective at protecting the wearer from harm. However, its most remarkable improvement over today’s warfare is its ability to take the battle to the skies without using a vehicle.


The most horrendous crime in fiction writing, short of plagiarism: violation of the "show, don't tell" law. Truly brilliant novels avoid this kind of narrative like the plague, as well they should. It's boring, dry, dull, tedious, pathetic. Especially when you are describing technology in a futuristic setting. One notices that none of Asimov's books fall prey to this damnable urge; nor do Roger Zelazny's. They find ways to establish the reality in ways other than telling the reader in paragraph upon paragraph of explaining narrative.

Post Fri Jul 08, 2005 10:25 pm


The most horrendous crime in fiction writing, short of plagiarism: violation of the "show, don't tell" law. Truly brilliant novels avoid this kind of narrative like the plague, as well they should. It's boring, dry, dull, tedious, pathetic. Especially when you are describing technology in a futuristic setting. One notices that none of Asimov's books fall prey to this damnable urge; nor do Roger Zelazny's. They find ways to establish the reality in ways other than telling the reader in paragraph upon paragraph of explaining narrative.


Assclown.

The most horrendous crime in criticism, short of just being wrong: violation of the "explain, don't tell" law. Truly useful critics avoid this kind of offering like the plague, as well they should. It's hostile, pompous, useless, pathetic. Especially when you are trying to effect change. One notices that professional editors never fall prey to this damnable urge; nor do talented authors themselves. They find ways to actually demonstrate the point they are trying to make in ways other than telling the writer in paragraphs of self-aggrandizing drivel.

Next time, if you want to be taken seriously, try to show how someone can improve a specific passage. Use examples. You don't like the paragraph about the armor? Offer an alternative. You think the dialogue could be tightened up? Show him how to do that. Don't tear the fruits of people's labours down; build their skills up. Your current juvenile attempts at belittling FlyingBeef diminish one person, and one person alone: yourself.

Edited by - Aliens! Aaaah, aliens! on 7/9/2005 12:25:59 AM

Post Sat Jul 09, 2005 2:12 am

Ignore Wilde, he seems to be on a tear on writers lately. Beef you got potential,, keep working at it.

Post Sat Jul 09, 2005 3:14 am

BAM! That proves my point nicely, I think. "Ignore Wilde," indeed. See what I mean, kid? You render yourself irrelevant. And that's a real shame because you're not wrong.

Post Sat Jul 09, 2005 8:31 am

Good point. I hang my head in shame.

Ok, here's a suggestion:

Over a prolonged period of several chapters, periodically allow information to be given about the advancement of warfare. Instead of describing the changes in modern warfare paragraph after paragraph, try instead phrases like these:


Andy saw a comrade, clad in light armour, blasted to pieces on the battlefield before him by a fusion mortar.


In this way you establish two of the technological advancements, and while not giving away their specific details (light armour only holding three weapons, fusion mortar being the strongest weapon carried by infantry), the readers then have some sense of what they are. Small phrases like this also have a different effect mentally on the reader; explaining the weaponry in great detail through narrative has a very textbook air to it, so your readers will pretty much forget it all. These small phrases which describe both weaponry and action, thus weaving the information into the story, make the information concerning the weaponry meaningful and relevant to the reader, and draws them into the story.

A way you could introduce the weaponry in detail is have your characters lead, once out of the battle of course, a group of recruits to the armoury and explain the uses of each body suit and weapon. This way, the information is relayed in a realistic sense, as dialogue and not narrative and therefore is a part of the story itself.

Edited by - Wilde on 7/9/2005 9:30:55 AM

Post Tue Jul 12, 2005 3:19 pm

*reads suggestions*
*then reads in progress story*
*pulls out the red pen*
thanks guys!

"If im phased and can walk through stuff, then why am I not falling through the floor?"

Post Wed Jul 13, 2005 5:44 pm

Ok, Good start.

Post Sun Jul 24, 2005 3:48 am

reasonable but not great

Post Sun Jul 24, 2005 3:49 am

but still quite good

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