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Duty

Tell us about your adventures, amazing stories, wow us with your wit...use your imagination, tell us some of the greatest moments in your life.

Post Wed Dec 15, 2004 2:28 pm

Duty

Here is the beginning of a story im writing in the star wars universe. the main charachter is named after my charachter in kotor 1, and my experiences playing jump to lightspeed in star wars galaxies have given me an idea of what flying is like.

so here is the first part of the story.

Duty

"Patrol Duty, I hate patrol duty" Craylo Venis Muttered to no-one in particular on his third lap of the naboo system. "They are a necessary evil im afraid master". The electronic voice of C5M9, his astromech droid chimed in, this particular astromech was unusual, as he didnt beep and warble like most droids of his type, he was a protocol droid when not attached to Craylo's Firespray. Many people thought the only Firespray in existence belonged to Boba Fett, however if you had the cash and the right connections, you could still buy one.

Craylo was 24 years old and was among the best pilots in the Royal Security Forces on naboo. He loved to travel the galaxy and learn of new cultures and places, pirates left him alone, as they knew well the profile of his ship, mistaking his ship for Boba Fetts. his brother built C5M9 as a 15th birthday gift.

As the ship neared the half way point of his next patrol leg, he was informed by C5 there was an incoming holocall, it was Jaden, his nephew of 5 years old. he was becoming a talented engineer, like his father. "Hi uncle kway" he waved. ( Jaden couldnt properly pronounce craylo yet ) "Papa wants to know if you are coming to dinner next week with grandma and grandpa". Craylo smiled and waved back " Yes, tell papa i'm coming to dinner. "

"Yay!" Jaden exclaimed. "I'll go tell papa" Jaden ended the holo call with a wave to craylo, who waved back. He ran out of the luxurious house in a suburb of Theed, and into his fathers workshop. He loved going in there to watch his father build droids .

" Papa? " Jaden called out, into the spacious workshop. There was no reply. He didnt have to wait long,a protocol droid came to the doorway.

"Hello master Jaden, your father is busy at the moment working on something important and cannot be disturbed". the droid said in a monotone voice.

"Oh ok" Jaden said slightly dissapointed "Can you tell papa that uncle Kway will be coming for dinner next week?"

"Certainly master Jaden" Said the protocol droid as it shuffled off into the recesses of the workshop.

No sooner had the protocall droid left. a small black droid came shooting out of the workshop, stopped a few centimeters short of jaden's foot, emitted a couple of electronic beeps and raced off in another direction. Jaden chased the droid, running in front of it, laughing as it beeped and changed direction.

Meanwhile, back in space craylo's mind had wandered, out of the cockpit, back in time two weeks. He was standing on one of theed's royal palace balconies, enjoying the view of the country side that stretched to the horizon.

Craylo was abruptly brought back to the present by C5M9.

"Sorry to disturb your thoughts master" he said appologetically "RSF command sent new orders a few moments ago, an imperial transport is making an emergency stop in naboo space, it has been heavily damaged by rebel attack, and this is the nearest system they can reach"

"Yippee what fun that will be" Craylo said with a slight hint of sarcasm. He pushed the firespray's engines to full power, and switched on the booster for some extra speed.

Edited by - freighter fighter on 12/16/2004 9:16:26 AM

Edited by - freighter fighter on 12/16/2004 9:18:22 AM

Post Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:29 pm

Good work ff, can't wait to see the next installment. (I'm gonna start calling someone "Uncle Kway" if you don't mind, that's awesome.)

Post Fri Dec 17, 2004 3:29 pm

thanks, it might be a while though, i write slowly

oh what the heck, here is some more :

The transport was a mess, one of the engines had been destroyed and another two spewed fuel from ruptured fuel lines, fires raged everywhere. "Please help us !" Begged the captain of the transport "We have important cargo aboard, the rebels must want it as badly as Lord Vader does" he continued

Another message came through, this one was from a squadron of TIE fighters who had been on training manouvers nearby "We have been dispatched to your location, we will arrive in 15 minutes, defend that transport till we arrive"

"C5, divert all available energy from the reactor to the shields, i have a feeling it will be needed at some point" Craylo ordered. Lights in the cabin and computer consoles faded briefly, as the entire Firespray's shielding was reinforced.

"I am detecting 3 rebel ships heading this way please deal with them, or we will be destroyed!" the transport captain exclaimed.

"Are you alright master?" C5 asked slightly concerned "Yes i'm fine, i was just thinking." Craylo replied, when i go to challenge the rebel ships, make my voice sound like Boba Fett. If this works, there will be no need to fire a shot" he added.



"Mesa gonna find yous soon Jaden" came a young gungan voice from somewhere in the leafy garden. The voice belonged to Oopiee, one of Jadens friends. Jaden had hidden himself behind a large bush, he could still see Oopiee, however Jaden would be missed by all but the keenest observers. No sound could be heard from the oppulent garden, aside from the splashing of fountains and the murmer of a conversation between the fathers of the two boys in the workshop.

"Mesa spend longo time looking for you Jaden, yousa maxibig hider". Oopiee announced to the garden.

When what seemed like an eternity to Jaden had passed, he crept from his hiding place. ( it had only been 5 minutes ). Oopiee had taken the time to hide in the large fountain in the centre of the garden.

Jaden crept around the garden, looking in all the hiding places he would use, when he had no luck with this, he went to the central fountain and sat on the edge of the stone work, watching a butterfly like creature flit from flower to flower.

Unknown to Jaden, Oopie had risen silently from the waters of the fountain.

Splash! Jaden was soaked by Oopiee.

"Mesa got you!" Oopiee Laughed.

Jaden climbed into the fountain alongside Oopiee, it was very refreshing on a hot summers day such as today. " And i got you!" Jaden exclaimed as he splashed Oopiee



Craylo's ploy had worked, or so he thought. The rebel ships withdrew, with the exception of one ship, a Y-wing bomber. "Rebel vessel, you are ordered to leave the system or be destroyed." A vocally altered Craylo ordered.

"If you, Boba Fett are guarding a lowly transport such as this, then the cargo must be valuable indeed." The rebel pilot said. "This leaves me with no other choice fett". The next sentence made Craylo's throat dry.

"FOR THE REBELLION!" screamed the Y-wing pilot.

The pilot rammed his engines into full throttle. "Master, readings indicate the rebel ship is overloading its reactor, the ship will destroy itself" C5 reported.

"He wont do much damage to the transport C5, i wouldnt worry too much" Craylo said, watching the course of the Y-wing.

"The transport will be decimated, the rebel vessel is full to the brim with high yield photon torpedoes." continued C5.

"What a day this has turned out to be" Craylo muttered under his breath. Seconds later, laser bolts spat out of Kraylo's firespray, disabling the engines of the y-wing.

Kraylo came alongside the disabled Y-wing, its engines blackened and sparking. He turned his ship round to face the Y-wings cockpit.

"You wont win" was the last thing the rebel pilot said. he stretched out his hand towards the firespray, and flattened out his palm. In his hand was a ball like object, it was flashing red. A thermal detonator.

Craylo's family and the girl he met on the palace balcony where the last thing he saw, as they flashed past his eyes


Edited by - freighter fighter on 12/18/2004 10:46:43 AM

Edited by - freighter fighter on 12/18/2004 12:52:44 PM

Edited by - freighter fighter on 12/18/2004 1:03:02 PM

Post Wed Dec 22, 2004 4:41 pm

ok, next installment

It was a few abstract memories of the girl that came to craylo at first, her long flowing golden hair and her smile came to mind most often.

The transport captain had by this time gotten the fires under control, and had contacted Naboo space station to ask for assistance, he also relayed Craylo's actions to rsf command.

His memories of the girl where stronger now, and more cohesive.

He was standing on the palace balcony, admiring the view; he had been called to the palace by his commanding officer to collect his orders.

"It’s a lovely view isn’t it?" a gentle voice beside him remarked. He turned to see a young woman dressed in a simple, yet elegant dress, with an ornate necklace around her neck.

"Yes, it is a lovely view" craylo replied, a little dumbfounded at her beauty. "You must be one of the new pilot graduates, congratulations" she said warmly.

"May I ask your name, pilot?" she asked. "Craylo Venis, at your service" he said with a smile, and a bow. "I'm Adelpha, it’s a pleasure to meet you" she said with a curtsy and a giggle.

As the pair stood admiring the scenery, a protocol droid approached, containing sealed orders for Craylo.

Craylo took the orders from the droid and turned to Adelpha.

"It looks like I’ll have to guess what you do some other time, perhaps over drinks?" he asked, slightly nervously.

"I'd love to, farewell Craylo Venis", she said

A long range tug and salvage vessel had arrived to tow the imperial transport to Naboo, as had the squadron of TIE fighters, and a gunboat, to protect the ships from any pirates who had ideas above his or her station.

C5 had survived the attack and occupied himself by sending a standard distress call on imperial and civilian frequencies. He set about conducting basic repairs to the reactor, which would provide power to the life support systems, and little else in its current state, he also got to work on the engine, with the aim to stop the spinning of the ship, and point it back towards Naboo.

Meanwhile, back on Naboo, Craylo’s brother Dari was working on a survey droid for some research scientists due to travel to Endor with the aim of cataloguing the various species of plants and animals there. A red protocol droid shuffled into the workshop and waited for Dari to finish installing some components.

“Excuse me master, there is a gentleman in the main hall waiting to speak with you” The droid announced respectfully.

“Please tell him I’m busy, he’ll have to come back later” Dari said a little preoccupied with trying to fit an argumentative set of long range lenses into the droid.

“The gentleman insists it’s important, he says it’s about master Craylo” responded the droid.

“I do hope he isn’t in any trouble master” the droid said as Dari rushed from the workshop.



Craylo had come around from being knocked out by the explosion of the Y-wing, he was saved from blindness due to the cockpit glass darkening as the explosion happened.

“Where are we C5?” he asked

“Still in Naboo space master, however I have good news and some bad news” C5 responded

“We are close to an exit for a hyperspace route used by cargo vessels, it is certain we will be found soon, that’s the good news.”

However, the bad news is, there’s enough oxygen to keep you alive for 17 days, however in our current state it may take 18 days to return to Naboo” C5 reported.

“Thank you for that little ray of sunshine C5” Craylo sighed, as he closed his eyes.


Special guest time....


“Go easy on the supplies; they have to last a while” The captain of a YT-1300 freighter that was lurking in a nebula to hide from Imperial patrols said to his rather furry co-pilot.

A series of grunts and howls came from a nearby supply room.

“You’re always hungry, why don’t you do something useful and fix the hyper drive?” He suggested.

The captain began to wonder why the hyper drive was the first thing to be hit in battle; at least it kept his mind from turning into mush staring into the dense, looming nebula that surrounds the ship.

A golden droid was sitting in the co-pilots chair, eves dropping on local communications channels.

“Sir, I’m picking up a distress call on imperial and civilian frequencies, it’s from a vessel belonging to the local security forces, it is 20 minutes from our location, and the ship has been heavily damaged”

“Are there any Imperial ships nearby?” the captain responded hesitantly

“No sir, we are the only ship within range” was the response.

“Well then, lets go, it beats staring at green clouds the whole time” responded the captain, glad to finally leave the expanse of green.

The engines roared into life, and then stalled.

“Is there any way I may be of service sir?” the golden droid asked, trying to sound helpful.

“Yeah there is as it happens”

“And what is that sir?”

“Get out and push”

Back on Naboo, Dari had taken Jaden to the Lake retreat, along with the little black droid, who Jaden had named Beeper. Adelpha had invited Dari and little Jaden to the retreat, when Craylo introduced her to his family a week previously.

Jaden had barely left the landspeeder that bought them when he placed Beeper on the floor and dashed around after it.

Adelpha had met the landspeeder dressed in a similar style to when she met Craylo.


Dari gave a formal bow after exiting the speeder. “No need to be so formal, this is my home” she said with a smile.
The pair made their way to a shaded bench, where they sat, and watched Jaden play.


The ships engines had been repaired and the crew had found Craylo’s damaged ship.

“Thank goodness you’ve found us, we can’t last much longer” C5 announced to the ship.

It wasn’t long before the ships were on the way back to Naboo.


Adelpha, Dari and Jaden had sat down to lunch for no longer than a minute when a message arrived for Adelpha.

She read the message twice before it sank in.

i will continue to write the story, just not update it here, unless anyone wants an update

Edited by - freighter fighter on 12/23/2004 12:05:09 PM

Post Sat Dec 25, 2004 7:42 am

As promised, you gave a comment to Wolfy's story, I'll give one for yours.

You've got excellent character traits and development happening for their behaviors and what they do, but you've left out some important parts. For one, we don't know what they look like. Even Adelpha, who you describe the best, doesn't have any mention of the colors of her dress or its specific style, how it shapes her nor do we know the color of her eyes. Her necklace, there are endless possibilities how a neckless can look, yet there is no features given. Is it gold, copper, jade...a chain, linked, loosely held clasps?

Also, the most lifelike character in this story is Jaden because it doesn't take extra explanation to understand the things he does, where others who do things we don't do in our world, it might require a little more flare to the description. Like I said, when it comes to talking, you give a great sense of the characters personalities, but looks, facial expressions, body movements and character qwerks are all lacking.

From a reading point of view, don't separate every line of text with a spacer. Only use spacers when going to another character somewhere else, or jumping time. I know this forum doesn't indent, so maybe you need to mark each new paragraph with something. For instance what you wrote could be more easily read like this:


___"C5, divert all available energy from the reactor to the shields, i have a feeling it will be needed at some point" Craylo ordered. Lights in the cabin and computer consoles faded briefly, as the entire Firespray's shielding was reinforced.
___"I am detecting 3 rebel ships heading this way please deal with them, or we will be destroyed!" the transport captain exclaimed.
___"Are you alright master?" C5 asked slightly concerned "Yes i'm fine, i was just thinking." Craylo replied, when i go to challenge the rebel ships, make my voice sound like Boba Fett. If this works, there will be no need to fire a shot" he added.

"Mesa gonna find yous soon Jaden" {A NEW SCENE SOMEWHERE ELSE, DOESN'T NEED AN INDENT TO START} came a young gungan voice from somewhere in the leafy garden. The voice belonged to Oopiee, one of Jadens friends. Jaden had hidden himself behind a large bush, he could still see Oopiee, however Jaden would be missed by all but the keenest observers. No sound could be heard from the oppulent garden, aside from the splashing of fountains and the murmer of a conversation between the fathers of the two boys in the workshop.
___"Mesa spend longo time looking for you Jaden, yousa maxibig hider". Oopiee announced to the garden.
___When what seemed like an eternity to Jaden had passed, he crept from his hiding place. ( it had only been 5 minutes ). Oopiee had taken the time to hide in the large fountain in the centre of the garden.
___Jaden crept around the garden, looking in all the hiding places he would use, when he had no luck with this, he went to the central fountain and sat on the edge of the stone work, watching a butterfly like creature flit from flower to flower.
___Unknown to Jaden, Oopie had risen silently from the waters of the fountain.
___Splash! Jaden was soaked by Oopiee.
___"Mesa got you!" Oopiee Laughed.
___Jaden climbed into the fountain alongside Oopiee, it was very refreshing on a hot summers day such as today. " And i got you!" Jaden exclaimed as he splashed Oopiee

Craylo's ploy had worked, or so he thought. The rebel ships withdrew, with the exception of one ship, a Y-wing bomber. "Rebel vessel, you are ordered to leave the system or be destroyed." A vocally altered Craylo ordered.
___"If you, Boba Fett are guarding a lowly transport such as this, then the cargo must be valuable indeed." The rebel pilot said. <--- "This leaves me with no other choice fett". {TWO CHARACTERS TALKING TO EACH OTHER USUALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE PERSONAL DESCRIPTIONS IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH} ---> The next sentence made Craylo's throat dry.
___"FOR THE REBELLION!" screamed the Y-wing pilot.



You're very good at showing the character qualities through dialog, but if this were to be compared to your photography skills, this would be a black and white photograph story as opposed to a full rich color photograph showing all the detail. But as it is fan fiction, it is very good for what it is. And I wouldn't suggest necessarily pushing yourself too hard on something you can never sell. Although, if you write an original story of your own one day, you should consider these things I said to help you bring breadth to the world you see in your mind.

Merry Christmas!


Sir S

Edited by - Sir Spectre on 12/25/2004 7:48:34 AM

Post Sun Dec 26, 2004 2:47 pm

sS, could you please email me at ben_hollingbery@hotmail.com, i feel my story is coming on in leaps and bounds, and i'd love some help shaping it

Post Mon Dec 27, 2004 10:38 pm

@FF: i beleive this is starwars no? because if it is i didn't know they had advanced enough for "photon" torpedos, highest i knew they had was "proton" torpedos

Edited by - Dragonborn on 12/27/2004 10:40:54 PM

Post Tue Dec 28, 2004 12:23 am

are you sure? ¬_¬ i'll go check

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