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A revised fairy tale

Tell us about your adventures, amazing stories, wow us with your wit...use your imagination, tell us some of the greatest moments in your life.

Post Thu Dec 09, 2004 6:08 pm

A revised fairy tale

My little sister is quite a writing demon, I swear she has ink, not blood, flowing through her veins. Anyway, she writes a lot and wants some feedback from non-family members, so I suggested subjecting her work to the tender mercies of the people here at TLR. This is one example of her work, a revised version of The Frog Prince. If you don't know the story and want the original it can be found here:
Anyway here goes.

Post Thu Dec 09, 2004 6:12 pm

First section:
In the kingdom of Mildewan, in the country of Stildwan, there lived a king, a queen, a prince, and a princess. Princess Sylvia had reached eighteen and so was of the marrying age. Her older brother wasn’t married yet, but he was still bringing down his prince friends for his sister to look at; her father invited other princes; no good, the princess wouldn’t have any of them. None of the princes` liked playing ball. Sylvia loved playing ball. She had a golden ball and would throw it
up in the air and catch it all day long, all by herself. She never tired of it. That was what she was doing right now. Her brother was away; he had gone to bring down some more of his friends.
“I wish I could get a maid who liked to play ball. All mine ever do is flirt, gossip, and giggle! There isn’t anything wrong with those, in small doses, but that’s all they do,” thought Sylvia as she threw the ball into the air and skillfully caught it as it came down and tossed it up again.
Princess Sylvia was very pretty. Her auburn hair flowed freely down to her knees and gleamed in the beams of sunlight that shone through the tree leaves of the garden. Her blue eyes were smiling, as they always did, except when she was angry. She was five feet tall and slender.
She had a very pale brown complexion; Sylvia was determined to keep the pale complexion of a princess. Her teeth were like pearls and were whiter than snow. At this moment, she was dressed in a dark green dress that had see-through, green silk sleeves that came down to her wrists. The dress had pearl buttons going down the back and a Celtic knot was embroidered in brown on the front. This was her spring play dress. Her dainty white feet were bare. As she did on all the warm
spring days, Sylvia was playing ball in the garden. She liked to play in a shady glade that had a pretty well in the center. The well had no roof, and lily pads grew in it and a frog lived there.
“Wheee! Up goes the ball and back it comes!” laughed the princess; she was having a great time.
“Your Royal Highness! Your royal brother is back. After the princes have changed their clothes, they will see you. You must come bathe and dress,” cried Emily, one of Sylvia’s maids.
“I’m coming!” called Sylvia, catching the golden ball and hitching up her skirts, ran to Emily. Together they walked into the palace. A hot, steaming bath was waiting for Sylvia when she entered the room. Emily helped Sylvia to undress and once the princess was in the bath, began to wash her mistress’s long hair.
“Emily, who are the princes this time?” inquired Sylvia, moving closer to the edge so that Emily could wash her hair easier.
“I don’t know highness, but Flax was watching, she might know,” suggested Emily.
“Rinea! I need water to rinse the princess’s hair with!” At Emily’s call, Rinea hurried in with a jar of hot water.
Later on, while Emily and two other maids were helping her to dress, Sylvia said, “Bring Flax in.” Rinea, who was mending a hole in the princess’s play dress, dropped her work and hurried to do her mistress’s bidding; she soon returned with Flax.
Flax was only fourteen years old, but she still washed dishes in the palace kitchen, and would often come and chat with the princess and her maids.
Flax had long, blonde hair that touched her ankles when it was let hang loose, but she usually had it braided into four braids, four thick braids. The two middle braids she would do up into a bun and the other two braids she would pin up so that she had two braided loops and a bun as her hairdo. Her eyes were a blue-gray and no one had ever seen her wear anything other than the overlarge, gray dress that hung down on one shoulder, which she was often pulling back up. She never wore shoes and in the winter she would wear thin, gray socks and everyone said that they were the always the same pair. She was so skinny that if you looked at her sideways you hardly saw her. She walked lightly, so you hardly heard her and she always spoke softly with a slight hint of bitterness in her tone. Many a merchant had attempted to buy her long, beautiful hair, but she refused to sell it. Flax had no parents and no one knew who they were. The nastier of the palace servants and guards would tease her about being a nobody and that was why she
spoke bitterly, because she was used to talking with them, actually, she would be bitterly and proudly telling them to shut up and leave her alone. She was tanned from helping in the garden and talking with Lionel, the east wall guard, he was nice to her and she liked him and it was very hot on the east wall top.
“Milady, here’s Flax, like you wanted,’ said Rinea, from the doorway of the dressing room.
“Come in,’ replied Sylvia, “No Maria, not the pink gown, I want the brown-gold dress with the red braid!”
Rina went back to her mending and Flax came to stand before Sylvia. “Here I am your Royal Highness, I’m here,” said Flax, curtsying deeply.
“Flax, who are the princes my brother brought?” asked Sylvia calmly.
“The Royal High Prince, your Royal Highness’s brother, brought back five princes. There is Prince Shandolin of Yanshire, Prince Palvandos of Mandatack, Prince Abascus of Penniless Land, Prince Alexandrianus of Deltashire, and Prince Rupert of Servantor. They were all very handsome and grand. I see them through the kitchen window,” said Flax, who hadn’t smiled or blushed, even when she stumbled over the names of the Princes and the names of their kingdoms.
“Thank you, Flax, you may go now,” said Sylvia. Flax curtsied and exited. Very soon Sylvia was ready and made her way down to the sitting room. Her father, mother, brother, and the five princes were all ready there. Silence fell.
Princess Sylvia was dressed in a long dress made of brown-gold fabric, with red braid around the edges of the sleeves, the hem, and the neck. She was very beautiful. Her hair was done up in the latest style, and she was wearing a crown; she was also wearing shoes and stockings, she only went around in bare feet outside, and when the weather was nice.
Her brother, Prince Lee, came foreword and escorted her to her straight, richly embroidered sitting chair. Then he commenced to introducing all the princes to her. Sylvia kept up a beautiful smile all through the introductions. Flax had been right about the names, she had also been right about the fact that they were all handsome. Prince Rupert of Servantor stood out as being the handsomest and the most intelligent, so she engaged him in conversation.
“Prince Rupert, I hope you left your family in good health?” inquired Sylvia politely.
“Yes Princess, I did,” replied Rupert cordially. “Your brother tells me that you enjoy playing ball. That is a fun pastime. I play it with my dog, but I always wanted to play with a real person,” Rupert sighed wistfully.
“You’re lucky to have a dog to play with. I only have myself to play with. Perhaps you would like to play tomorrow after breakfast?” invited Sylvia happily.

Post Thu Dec 09, 2004 6:16 pm

“Thank you. I would love to.” Rupert smiled brightly which, to Sylvia, made him look all the more handsome. She watched him as he walked off to talk with her father, the bright light from all the candles made his black hair shine brightly. She smiled as she thought of his white teeth, tanned face, and soft green-blue eyes. She was so fixed on watching Rupert that she didn’t notice it when Prince Abascus of Penniless Land came to take Rupert’s seat and draw her into conversation; actually, she would’t have seen him, if Prince Lee hadn’t urgently motioned at him
with his head. When she turned her head to speak with Prince Abascus, she was still smiling with delight, thinking about Rupert, and the poor, rather simple Prince Abascus thought the smile was for him and could hardly speak he was so intoxicated with rapture, because he found Sylvia to be the most beautiful young lady that he had ever seen. He barely heard a word she said, but that might have been just as well for him, because his feelings probably would have been hurt had he heard what she said, his feelings were hurt, though when she dismissed him,
Prince Lee, noticing this, kindly sat down with Prince Abascus and began talking about how much money was estimated to be in a certain dragon hoard; Prince Abascus was an expert on these sort of articles, and could generally figure, from the size of the dragon and the size of the cave it lived in, how much gold and valuables it had in there, and he was almost always right.
The next day after breakfast, Sylvia met Rupert out in the glade. She was wearing her play dress and carrying her golden ball. They tossed the ball back and forth until they were called in for dinner. After that they gaily talked together until supper, after which Sylvia went to play checkers with her father, as she did every night.
The next morning, Sylvia and Rupert were again playing ball. At one time, Sylvia, in a desperate attempt to catch the ball, tripped over a tree root and fell down, laughing. Rupert helped her up, apologizing the whole time.
“How it’s his fault, I don’t know but.....” thought Sylvia, smiling at Rupert and then telling him that it wasn’t his fault.
Rupert went over to one side of the well and Sylvia stood on the other side and they tossed the ball back and forth that way. But then, Sylvia, distracted by a dog barking at her brother and the other princes, who were riding out to hunt, threw the ball to high and to short and with a PLOP!! it fell in the water and sunk to the bottom, putting a hole in a lily pad.
“Oh no! My ball! And I can’t swim! It was a birthday present from Daddy when I was four years old! It had the whole family tree carved on it! Rupert! Dive in and get my ball for me, please!” cried Sylvia, beside herself.
“Alas and Alack! I can’t swim!” exclaimed Rupert apologetically.
“Oh!” Sylvia sat down on the ground near the well and began sobbing. Rupert didn’t know what to do.
“Why are you crying?
“Is your shoe untying?” asked a voice near to Sylvia’s ear. “Great night! A talking frog!” yelled Rupert, his eyes growing big. Sylvia quickly turned to see what it was. The green frog from the pond was sitting there on the side of the well.
“What on earth?!” screamed Sylvia, hastily arising.
“Please stop screaming,
“It’s unseeming, Croak! Ribbet!” said the frog.
What did you ask me the first time?” asked Sylvia, recollecting her composure.
“Why are you crying?
“Is your shoe untying? Croak! Ribbet!” repeated the frog.
“I don’t have any shoes on and I’m crying because I accidentally dropped my ball in the well and I can’t get it back!” Sylvia started to cry again.
“Well, if to your house you’ll take me,
“Eat off your plate let me,
“And on your bed lay me,
“And later on kiss me,
“The ball I’ll retrieve for thee. Croak! Ribbit!” said the frog.
“I’ll do that!” cried Sylvia eagerly.
“Promise you must,
“Or your ball will rust! Croak! Ribbit!” warned froggy.
“I promise, just get my ball back!” promised Sylvia. With a ‘Croak’ and a deep breath, the frog dove into the well.
“Princess Sylvia, are you going to do all those awful things for that disgusting frog?” demanded Rupert reproachfully.
“Do you think I should?” asked Sylvia, hanging her head.
“No! Once he gives you the ball back, I think we should quickly leave!” said Rupert decisively.
“All right,” agreed Sylvia readily. After about two minutes, froggy came up, hauling the gold ball with a net made of water weeds.
“Here is your golden ball,
“Now keep your promises all. Croak! Ribbit!” said froggy, dragging the ball to the princess with a strangely hopeful look on his face.
“Thank you. Oh, thank you!” gushed Sylvia, then she grabbed Rupert by the hand and ran towards the castle.
“Hey! Wait for me!
“I can’t go as fast as thee!” cried froggy, hopping after them, moving very slowly,(he was tired form swimming to the bottom of a well and back.)
Back at the castle, Rupert congratulated Sylvia on her escape from the frog and soon they both forgot about the frog. It was easy to forget, they rode through the Forest Royal, all the other princes had returned to their respective kingdoms, and so Sylvia was left to entertain only Rupert, much to her joy.
That night during supper, a footman entered the dining hall
“Your Royal Majesties, there’s a crazy frog at the gate who speaks in bad poetry and says that he will have the promise made to him by the princess fulfilled,” said the puzzled footman, after making his obeisance.
“Well, let him in...... I say Jim, did you say that the frog talked? You haven’t been in the wine cellar, have you?” cried the king jovially.
“The frog spoke, sire. No doubt about it. He didn’t just croak, he spoke!” declared the footman, Jim, stoutly.
“Well, bring him in so I can see this wonder for myself,” ordered the king. “Now, Sylvia,” once Jim had left, “ this frog seemed to know you. What do you know of this frog?” asked the king, smiling at Sylvia; he was pleased that she was so interested in Prince Rupert.
“Nothing. Jim said that the frog was crazy. I have never associated with a frog in my life,” lied Sylvia and received an encouraging nod from Rupert; nobody noticed this nod, except for Prince Lee, who frowned at his pudding and kept silent. Prince Rupert was no friend of Prince Lee’s, but he had brought him down because his father had wished it. Lee wondered what was going on between his sister and the Crown Prince of Servantor.
“Your Majesties, the frog!” announced Jim loudly, Lee turned to look.

Post Thu Dec 09, 2004 6:18 pm

Whew; this is really long and there are five more pages. I'll post them later b/c I have to go do some hw now. Let me know what you think and I'll tell my sister. Thanks.

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